Father’s Day Blues

I wish my dad was at my graduation today. I miss him. Oh God, how I needed him. It’s seriously all I’ve ever wanted since he wasn’t able to attend my 6th grade or high school graduation. It’s what I looked forward to the most about him getting out of jail after 10 years. I’d be lying if I said he was not the reason I took so long to complete my college education. Heck, I was so freaking glad my graduation wouldn’t happen until he was out. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted him to be there. I needed him. But instead of him filling up that seat next to my mom and brothers, all I had of him was an apology text and one missed call from him. The first I received in the bathroom, when I was checking up on my makeup and hair, making sure my cap wouldn’t fall off with a tip of my head.

“Ola mi amor perdón por llamarte antes que pases una muy bonita graduación te juró qué me duele no estar con tigo en tu graduación”
‘Hello my love, I am sorry for calling you before you have a beautiful graduation. I swear it hurts that I can’t be there with you at your graduation.’

Instantly I felt my eyes well up with tears, a knot in my throat. My friend comes out of the stall and I push it all back, focusing instead on the ceremony and the fact that my family wasn’t there yet. Seriously, again? We rush back to our art friends just as the line starts pushing out the door. My father is pushed out of my mind as the graduation goes on. I’m too busy trying to keep up with my friend’s jokes and our Dean’s sass.
Towards the end of the graduation I remember I have not wished my father a happy father’s day, despite Every. Damn. Speaker. Mentioning their father and wishing them a happy father’a day. I send him greetings and think nothing of it as I stand to move my tassel from the right to the left side of the cap as a symbol of our passing into graduate-hood. We walk out. All along the sides there are people crowding around to take pictures of the graduates. Again, I do not see my mother’s face. I shake off my disappointment and make plans to meet up with my friends at the art building after I dash away to find my family. Again, I do not find them. I look down at my phone to call them only to see I’ve missed a call from my dad. I rush to call back but, what would I say? The emotion now hits harder than before and I click ‘end.’ The knot is tighter, the tears fill my vision and I know I cannot show everyone this side. Today was supposed to be emotional for other reasons, not for the pain that’s been granted me since I was 12.
Instead I have father’s day making a mockery of me as again I have to spend another year without my dad. Only this time, it was something bigger. It was that much more important. And now I’m just left to wonder, how much more will he miss out on? How much more will I miss out on? That ticket that went to my aunt, the one that always goes to my aunt, should have been his. I don’t know what to do. It’s 3am and all I’m doing is crying the stupid makeup off. I hate this, I really do. No matter what I do or what happens, this will never change. I will never have my dad as I want him. He is still only pictures and short phone calls and once a year visits. He’s out of prison but we aren’t out of the system. Happy Father’s Day indeed.


May Challenge(s) Day 6!: What Makes You Smile & My Last Random Act of Kindness

I think something that it’s really hard to come up with any one thing that makes me smile. There’s really so much I could take a picture of. Just an hour or so ago I was standing on the balcony on the fourth floor of one of the school buildings here, looking over everything going on under and enjoying the breeze. I was looking at stories unfolding for each person, knowing that I’m only a speck of dust in comparison to everything that has happened or will happen for them. Knowing that our stories would never intertwine. It’s really interesting. I guess that’s why I love people watching. Then, I saw a fellow art student and friend of mine today at the media library. Both of us were only stopping there briefly. It’s nice to see someone who’s been in so many of the same art classes, and who you look up to, outside of class. Even if it’s still on school grounds. Then there’s this other big thing going on today: Grad Fair. It brings promises of summer, of graduation, of life beginning at the end of this very long journey had throughout all my years of schooling, not only at the university level. I’m graduating!!!


My Last Random Act of Kindness

I don’t know what is considered an act of kindness. I mean, I know I’m kind to people. I know it’s random in that I never plan for it ahead of time. So when the topic I need to write on was my last random act of kindness, it kind of doesn’t make sense. What can it be? Today already I’ve held the door open for some people. Yesterday I helped an elderly couple maneuver around the train systems by staying with them and writing directions for them in Spanish; I helped another man who was new to the city get to his destination. So would the random act of kindness mean something as small as helping someone get around, or something bigger in which I help someone get out of a pickle. (Yes, that’s right. I said pickle.) I don’t like to talk about these things, as I end up feeling like I’m a) bragging, or b) patting myself on the back for doing something. It’s just not the way that Random Acts of Kindness should be. Also, the things I do seem so small and insignificant to the things that I CAN do.  I feel ashamed for not doing more for people in need, for being selfish in that way. I don’t know how you, my readers, take these sorts of things. Still, for the sake of the challenge, I’ll briefly talk about one thing I did for someone.

I don’t remember what day it was. I don’t remember the month. I know it was this year, 2014. I know that I was running low on funds. I know that I could make it home and back again one more time with what I had left from buying this last train ticket. I wasn’t too worried, though. It was nearing the end of my current quarter at the university. I remember a woman coming up to me, but I don’t remember what she looked like. She asked if I could help her with the ticketing machine as she didn’t know how to work it very well. I remember her mentioning being either elderly or special needs, and that she’d qualify for a slightly cheaper ticket. When it came time to pay for her ticket, she pulled out about $3 in change. It wasn’t enough. I pulled out whatever change I had for her, but it still wasn’t enough. You don’t really think 10 USD is too much until you don’t have 10 to give or use for your needs. I remember not wanting to leave this woman behind. I don’t think I really thought about it when I did so, but I went ahead and made the transaction and paid for her ticket. I know she was thankful. I know the train pulled up shortly after we’d made our way to the platform. It wasn’t until I was sitting at my table that I actually thought about what I’d just done, and how that was going to affect me. Like I said, selfish. I definitely had to plan a bit more carefully about what I would spend on for the next couple of weeks and wouldn’t be able to go home as often. I shrugged it off and remembered that ‘God Will Provide’ in some form or another. That was that.

There are so so many things I want to do with and for people. I know it’ll take time, because I don’t have the means necessary for it, monetary or otherwise. I also have graduation coming, and with GradFair kicking off today it’s going to be a bit more expensive than I’d originally thought. (Why oh why must we pay so much for school, and then even more to get the benefits of our own graduation?! I just don’t get it. Bah! It’s seriously like a leech.) But, there you have it folks! Day 6 of my 31 Day Challenge. Hopefully it was a good read for you. I was a bit reluctant to do it myself for reasons already stated above. If you’re following and/or posting your own challenge, let me know! What better thing than a support system? Have a good day!