Guess Who’s Back, Back Again? Janie’s back, Tell a friend! (Or, you know, don’t.)

So… I know its been a little while since I’ve been away. Again. Geez Louise I seriously need to not put this away so long. I think its been nearly half a year now. — Shoot, no. I’ve just checked and its actually more like a year and a half. Argh! I couldn’t tell you half the things that have happened since I last posted. For starters, nothing has changed with my statuses–work or otherwise. I have been to New York twice within that time, though! So that’s exciting. I even got to visit Philadelphia for a few days this past September. I’ll write more on that at a later time. Currently I am sitting on a recently-cleared rocking chair in the middle of a whirlwind of a room. Oreo-my chubby, overprotective chihuahua- is snoring in his little cubby. Scratch that, he’s just woken up for a drink of water. My bed is covered in things I need to sort. Not that I feel like sorting. Obviously. But, hey! What better time than the present? Even if it is just past 2am. Better than dumping everything in a corner, anyway.

I tend to talk a lot to you guys. I’ll spill out whatever is on my mind without really putting up much of a filter. Or editing. I forgot what my college professor called it. Speed-writing? All I remember is that it dealt with writing what was at the top of my head. Such as: I wonder how long the L.A. Times Festival of Books has been going on? I have an old poster from 2010 in my room–don’t even ask, I think I just feel guilty about bringing it down. Plus, what will I do with that clear space?! Anyway, I just realized that it looks as though the picture is in the shape of a 7. Was that the 7th year they held it? Is it just a coincidence? No idea. I’ll look it up later, the curiosity won’t let me rest. Anyway, I was getting somewhere with this. I don’t know if there really are many people that read this outside of my family and friends. Either way, I feel a sort of comfort in being able to talk freely like this. To ramble, as some would say. It’s probably the place where my truest thoughts come out. If not for this, they’d remain tucked away. I mean, surely you must know where I’m coming from. I can’t be the only one who can’t come out and say things outright to my family or the friends around me. Not yet, anyway. I mean, I’d like to come out and be one of those super-organized blogs that talks about one specific topic a day instead of going on and on about random things each time. But that’s not me. It isn’t my style. Yet. I’m confident that I’ll grow into my own with time. I just need to keep writing. So if any of you would like to suggest anything that would keep me writing, keep me encouraged, please do let me know. I honestly need it. Everything else in my life feels like its in shambles right now and I have no doubt that doing this–writing– will keep me grounded and will help me with my craft. Everything I start pursuing seems to just slip away between my fingers slowly, trickling away until suddenly there is a huge contrast between what I started with and what is left. I need to get back to my passions. This is the first step.

Speaking of passions, does anyone have any suggestions on how to build an online portfolio? I am actually an artist and I can’t believe I never did this before, but I need a way to get my work out there. I just don’t quite know what the best approach to building a website would be. I just don’t want my talents to die away. There’d be no use for that B.A. if that was to be the case. So far I’m seeing Wix as a possibility. Maybe just a tumblr, I’ve had a couple of those in the past. I think I may have a photographer friend or two that can help with getting professional photos. I just need to think in terms of Moo-lah. I don’t have the “luxury” of people needing practice with their cameras and software anymore. Gah!

Anyway, I’m running into blanks and running well past 700 words. It’s now 3am and I really must get to the mess on my bed. Seriously, it looks like someone decided it would be the new desk. That someone being me. Curse my tiny room and 5, 6 years worth of things accumulating from the time I left for college! Seriously, guys. If any of you are in college, learn to balance your belongings! It isn’t worth it to attach yourself to every cute, useful thing! Or the little toy your hall mates may have given you in first or second year. Or the books— never mind, you keep the books. HOARD THEM ALL! (I kid, I kid. Heh heh.) Okay okay okay! I bid all of you goodnight. Or morning, wherever you may be. Thanks for stopping by, and please do leave suggestions or encouragements for the things I mentioned. I’ll see you soon! Hopefully. If you liked it. Bye!

P.S. I looked it up. The Los Angeles Times Festival of Books has definitely been going on longer than what the poster suggests. Actually, it’s headed to 20 years in 2016! Yay books!

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Father’s Day Blues

I wish my dad was at my graduation today. I miss him. Oh God, how I needed him. It’s seriously all I’ve ever wanted since he wasn’t able to attend my 6th grade or high school graduation. It’s what I looked forward to the most about him getting out of jail after 10 years. I’d be lying if I said he was not the reason I took so long to complete my college education. Heck, I was so freaking glad my graduation wouldn’t happen until he was out. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted him to be there. I needed him. But instead of him filling up that seat next to my mom and brothers, all I had of him was an apology text and one missed call from him. The first I received in the bathroom, when I was checking up on my makeup and hair, making sure my cap wouldn’t fall off with a tip of my head.

“Ola mi amor perdón por llamarte antes que pases una muy bonita graduación te juró qué me duele no estar con tigo en tu graduación”
‘Hello my love, I am sorry for calling you before you have a beautiful graduation. I swear it hurts that I can’t be there with you at your graduation.’

Instantly I felt my eyes well up with tears, a knot in my throat. My friend comes out of the stall and I push it all back, focusing instead on the ceremony and the fact that my family wasn’t there yet. Seriously, again? We rush back to our art friends just as the line starts pushing out the door. My father is pushed out of my mind as the graduation goes on. I’m too busy trying to keep up with my friend’s jokes and our Dean’s sass.
Towards the end of the graduation I remember I have not wished my father a happy father’s day, despite Every. Damn. Speaker. Mentioning their father and wishing them a happy father’a day. I send him greetings and think nothing of it as I stand to move my tassel from the right to the left side of the cap as a symbol of our passing into graduate-hood. We walk out. All along the sides there are people crowding around to take pictures of the graduates. Again, I do not see my mother’s face. I shake off my disappointment and make plans to meet up with my friends at the art building after I dash away to find my family. Again, I do not find them. I look down at my phone to call them only to see I’ve missed a call from my dad. I rush to call back but, what would I say? The emotion now hits harder than before and I click ‘end.’ The knot is tighter, the tears fill my vision and I know I cannot show everyone this side. Today was supposed to be emotional for other reasons, not for the pain that’s been granted me since I was 12.
Instead I have father’s day making a mockery of me as again I have to spend another year without my dad. Only this time, it was something bigger. It was that much more important. And now I’m just left to wonder, how much more will he miss out on? How much more will I miss out on? That ticket that went to my aunt, the one that always goes to my aunt, should have been his. I don’t know what to do. It’s 3am and all I’m doing is crying the stupid makeup off. I hate this, I really do. No matter what I do or what happens, this will never change. I will never have my dad as I want him. He is still only pictures and short phone calls and once a year visits. He’s out of prison but we aren’t out of the system. Happy Father’s Day indeed.

May Challenge Blog(s) Day 9! (Late): Daily Routine & Bucket Lists

Challenge Blog for the 9th. Yes, I know it’s now the 16th.

The 9th of this month fell on a Friday– the day I travel by train to my mom’s place from my school apartment. Thus, I have taken a whole lot of photos for the occasion. (Not that I don’t take them each time I take a trip anyway.)

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What’s on your life list/bucket list?

Honestly, I don’t know how much I’ll be able to get on here tonight. It is currently 1:30am on a Friday morning. I’m to wake up and catch the morning train yet again. Funny how these things work out, huh?

Throughout my life I have certainly compiled a list of things I want to do at some point or another. It’s less of a physical thing, more of something that I just keep in mind. I guess this is my time to put thoughts and words to paper.. err.. blog..?

One of my biggest dreams is to be able to travel. I haven’t been able to do it much, though I’ve gone to quite a few places in the U.S. I know a lot of people might not count it because it’s limited to a few states in my country, plus some of Mexico and Niagara Falls (in Canada). I can say I’ve done more than most of my family, though. Still, it isn’t enough.  I have the travel bug and I just want MORE! I want to travel to Thailand and ride an elephant. I want to stand on the Great Wall of China and reenact the scene in the first Mulan movie. I want to backpack across Europe and have an encounter with a gypsy. I want to go to Italy and drink wine as if it were water. I want to stand at Machu Piccu and look at the world below me. I want to get to Rio de Janeiro and go up to the Cristo Redentor. I want to dance tango with a native dancer in Argentina. I want to go up the west coast, from Southern California up to Vancouver and beyond. I want to kiss a stranger as the ball drops in New York City Times’ Square. I want to go exploring and see the sliding stones of Death Valley, or jump off a waterfall after a hike through the mountains. Nevermind the fact that I can’t swim or that I’m afraid of heights.

I want to take photography courses in the great outdoors, and also indoors where I can work with capturing people and families. I want to go snorkeling and sand boarding and take a tube rides down small snow slopes.

I want to run a successful blog where people feel free to talk to and share ideas with me. I want to learn editing and post my Youtube videos up. I want to be a published author, and a studio-shown artist. I want to reach 50 followers on tumblr, and then eventually 70. I want to learn to make GIFs. I want to learn to make pizza, and other sorts of foods, drinks, and desserts. I want to learn to successfully play the guitar and ukulele, and use those to play covers of songs. I want to learn to use my drawing tablet, and eventually get more digital-art savvy. I want to work for the entertainment business in some sort of creative work. I want to write for a magazine. I want to have my own Wikipedia page. (HA!)

I want to learn to help those in more need. I want to make a difference in someone’s life for the better. I want my work, thoughts, and ideas to touch someone in a positive way; have them open their hearts and minds to living their lives with zeal, hope, optimism, and hard, earnest work. I want to show them love.

I want to be loved. I want a family. I want my children. I want to be the cool aunt. I want a cute, unexpected romance. I want a best friend and lover of the same man. I want the white wedding. I want the honeymoon (hopefully abroad).

I want to live life with a passion. I want to never give up on my hopes and dreams; never lose the optimistic view I have on most things. I want to never forget the kind of person I am, or the places I’ve been, the things I’ve seen, or the people I’ve met.

This, and so much more, I want from my life.

Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.

Ten. I’ve reached that magical number where I tend to fall off the universe and either never post again, or end up creating yet another blog or account elsewhere and start posting there instead. I can’t say that I plan it that way. I never realized it until I started going in today and counting the number of posts in certain other sites I had. Eleven. How is it possible that I don’t seem to pass this number? Twelve. Makes me wonder what else on the internet dies off or begins at 10. There’s fourteen. Then fifteen after that. There’s also the end. Maybe it comes from emphasis on learning only one through ten as a child, and then struggling to get to ‘sevten’ (seventeen). Then there’s that huge focus on youth and on the numbers that make up the ‘teenage years’ As if life ends when you pass that age. Heh. Whatever the reason, it’s high and mighty time to get to the next set of numbers. I want that gold star next to my name. I want that extra free time. I want that ‘free pass’ card. I guess all it takes is one more blog post. A few words will do; it’s just a couple of hundred words. It certainly isn’t like I don’t have millions of ideas running through my mind at all times of the day. I just need to sit and write. Type. Talk. Connect. Now is as good time as any.