Father’s Day Blues

I wish my dad was at my graduation today. I miss him. Oh God, how I needed him. It’s seriously all I’ve ever wanted since he wasn’t able to attend my 6th grade or high school graduation. It’s what I looked forward to the most about him getting out of jail after 10 years. I’d be lying if I said he was not the reason I took so long to complete my college education. Heck, I was so freaking glad my graduation wouldn’t happen until he was out. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted him to be there. I needed him. But instead of him filling up that seat next to my mom and brothers, all I had of him was an apology text and one missed call from him. The first I received in the bathroom, when I was checking up on my makeup and hair, making sure my cap wouldn’t fall off with a tip of my head.

“Ola mi amor perdón por llamarte antes que pases una muy bonita graduación te juró qué me duele no estar con tigo en tu graduación”
‘Hello my love, I am sorry for calling you before you have a beautiful graduation. I swear it hurts that I can’t be there with you at your graduation.’

Instantly I felt my eyes well up with tears, a knot in my throat. My friend comes out of the stall and I push it all back, focusing instead on the ceremony and the fact that my family wasn’t there yet. Seriously, again? We rush back to our art friends just as the line starts pushing out the door. My father is pushed out of my mind as the graduation goes on. I’m too busy trying to keep up with my friend’s jokes and our Dean’s sass.
Towards the end of the graduation I remember I have not wished my father a happy father’s day, despite Every. Damn. Speaker. Mentioning their father and wishing them a happy father’a day. I send him greetings and think nothing of it as I stand to move my tassel from the right to the left side of the cap as a symbol of our passing into graduate-hood. We walk out. All along the sides there are people crowding around to take pictures of the graduates. Again, I do not see my mother’s face. I shake off my disappointment and make plans to meet up with my friends at the art building after I dash away to find my family. Again, I do not find them. I look down at my phone to call them only to see I’ve missed a call from my dad. I rush to call back but, what would I say? The emotion now hits harder than before and I click ‘end.’ The knot is tighter, the tears fill my vision and I know I cannot show everyone this side. Today was supposed to be emotional for other reasons, not for the pain that’s been granted me since I was 12.
Instead I have father’s day making a mockery of me as again I have to spend another year without my dad. Only this time, it was something bigger. It was that much more important. And now I’m just left to wonder, how much more will he miss out on? How much more will I miss out on? That ticket that went to my aunt, the one that always goes to my aunt, should have been his. I don’t know what to do. It’s 3am and all I’m doing is crying the stupid makeup off. I hate this, I really do. No matter what I do or what happens, this will never change. I will never have my dad as I want him. He is still only pictures and short phone calls and once a year visits. He’s out of prison but we aren’t out of the system. Happy Father’s Day indeed.

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May Challenge Day 5!: Something I Wore & Favorite Movies I Never Get Sick of Watching

I didn’t get a chance to see this before my day began. I could easily go back and take a picture of what I’m currently wearing, or choose a photo from this past weekend, but I figured I may as well go with something easy. So, ta-da! I give you my converse! They’re one of my favorite colors (I have many) and are super comfortable. Unless you want to actually exercise. Go for trainers, guys ‘n gals! Actually, when I bought these I was going along thinking that they actually reminded me a lot of John Green’s ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ book cover, which only made me want to paint ‘Okay?”Okay.’in little white clouds. It’s our catchphrase and meant to be full of promises. Of life, love, and anything else in between. Seriously, if you haven’t read the book I encourage you to go do so now. The movie comes out on June 6th. I didn’t get to paint my shoes, as you can see. I’m actually a little happy about that. I use them with jeans, shorts, dresses; they’re perfect for a casual day around the house or when hitting the streets. Also, have you ever noticed how, when you see someone else wearing converse, you feel a small sense of unity? Besides checking out the colors and adding another pair to your mental checklist, that is. They’re just perfect. Probably my favorite pair of sneakers.

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Favorite movies I never get sick of… boy, this is a tough one. Not because I don’t have favorite movies, or because I get tired of everything I watch, but because now I have to think about aaaaaaall the movies I’ve watched. Off the top of my head, there is 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles. This is seriously one of my favorite movies ever. Also on the list are the Jungle Book (1994) with Jason Scott Lee, Cary Elwes, and Lena Headey; Lord of the Rings–all of them; Easy A (2010), Pitch Perfect (2012), Howl’s Moving Castle (2004), Princess Mononoke (1997), Tangled (2010), and Robin Hood Men in Tights (1993). These are only some of the movies, there are tons more. Actually, now I’m feel like watching one of these movies. Agh! Can’t do that. Maybe after my upcoming midterm…

And there it is, folks! My May Challenge post, on Cinco de Mayo. I hope you all had a good, safe day! Don’t be out there drinking and driving, and please don’t use this day to make idiotic games like at UC Davis where students think it’s ‘cool’ to dress up as immigrants and border patrol agents and run around after each other drunk. It’s horrible and disrespectful and can really hurt people. Honestly, who comes up with these things? Are they really that insensitive?

If you like this post I’ll give you a biiiiig internet hug! Let me know if you’re in on the challenge! I’ll definitely come by and read yours. 🙂 Good night!

May Challenge(s) Day 3!: Something You Adore and What Makes You Happy?

This little boy has made me very happy this past weekend, as has the rest of my family. I absolutely adore him, even if he has caused me to be up for more hours in the day that I’m used to; even if I am now suffering from very very sore legs and lower back pain from jumping around and doing squats while carrying him just to hear that tinkle of laughter. I am forever thankful for this weekend and for having the family that I have.

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I write this post from my cousin’s home in northern California. We’re here for my cousin’s baby’s baptism and first birthday party.  I remember the last time we were here, almost one exact year ago. It was shortly after having her first child. A lot of things are similar from then, it just took a stain on the tabletop to remind me of that.  I mentioned on the first challenge post that I’m originally from Texas. The same goes for my cousin.  She’s been living in northern California for a few years now after getting married to her truly awesome and wonderful husband (whom she met online–see, it can work!).  As such, she doesn’t get to see her family (immediate and extended) for months at a time. That is why, on occasions such as this, we don’t think twice about coming over and visiting her little family.  I remember last year my godparents (her parents) came over along with my cousin’s sister, her husband, and their two children.  It was truly an amazing time. We hadn’t seen my godparents and my other cousin’s family since Christmas. Maybe it doesn’t seem so much to some of you, but I grew up in an environment where we knew we’d see at least half of my aunts, uncles, and cousins if not each day, then at least every other day. I grew up incredibly close to all my family. That’s something I’ll forever be thankful for. I know that not everyone is as fortunate, and not everyone sees family as such an important aspect of life–both extended and immediate.  It’s kind of sad, really. In this particular weekend last year, we got to almost repeat what our life had been like in Texas.  Everyone was together, we’d trade off children and chat about family issues, we had our big official family meals both at home and whenever we went out. There was an evening where there was a soccer game everyone sat for (futbol/football for the rest of the world). The husbands of each sister were rooting for an opposing team. They had bought the three munchkins jerseys (or onesies for the baby) for their respective teams and teaching them to say ‘Touchdown!.’ It was seriously one of the cutest things I had ever seen. That day we had bought about…7 boxes of pizza or so. They were greasy on the bottom and hot. It wasn’t until maybe an hour or so after they’d been sitting there that one of us remembered that the pizza boxes should not be on the bare table. We picked them up and saw we were too late; the grease and heat had made its mark on the table. Permanently. So when I saw the lighter brown splotches of stained wood on the dark espresso finish, I remembered that weekend. I remembered how close we all were. I remembered what it was like to have family so near that even one wrong move could accidentally make someone ticked off. Okay, that not aaaas much as if we were in Texas surrounded by everyone, but it happens every now and then. It could also partly be that I’m living away from my immediate family for school that I felt this was a lot closer to what family is supposed to be like and that what we were experiencing with mom and my brothers was only the half of it. This, would be the thing that I adore. The thing that makes me happy. It’s my family. It’s in knowing that you’ll always have someone there for you. It’s in fighting over the small things. It’s in leaving our marks on things the way students write ‘Jackson wuz here’ with an arrow pointing down to a date and locking it down to the location, as if it wasn’t obvious enough that the marked place was where they’d been.  It’s in knowing that you’ll never ever want for a different family, no matter what goes on in it. It’s in loving unconditionally. I love you, familia. Thank you so very much for having us. You give me immeasurable joy and happiness and love. Just thought I should let you know. ❤ 🙂