5 AM Shenanigans

It’s nearing 5am. I’m still sitting on that (not so) recently-vacated rocking chair, the bed is in the same state it was an hour ago. Sort of. My chubby lil’ Oreo was just laying at my feet and is now staring at me from his bed. I don’t know what it is that I want, but something keeps telling me to come back and write. There are a million + things that I can talk about. But, as I’ve stated  before, they’d come out as a bunch of ramblings. So that’s it! I’ve decided I’m going to either A) write down all the different prompts I have or B) start a new page on the blog dedicated to mini ramblings. Not updates, but more like following the different threads of musings I might have at that time.I think it’s gon’ be great! But but but.. have to start actually writing first. Gahh! I wish there was a sort of time jump I could have. One that goes back and forth, not just forward in time.

In other news, my bed is still pretty messy. I think I’ve gotten it down to half the mess though so, progress! Also my brother got home super late and he and my mom had a row (row row your boat, gently down the stream!). Eck. See, this is why you plan ahead and instead sleep over at your friends’ if you can! Then again, slightly different situation when my friends are all at the very least half an hour or so away. Ah well!

In other other news, I just learned that my views don’t count towards total views on my stats! How I didn’t know that after being here for 2+ years, I don’t know! In any case, Woo!  Hi, you. 🙂

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Guess Who’s Back, Back Again? Janie’s back, Tell a friend! (Or, you know, don’t.)

So… I know its been a little while since I’ve been away. Again. Geez Louise I seriously need to not put this away so long. I think its been nearly half a year now. — Shoot, no. I’ve just checked and its actually more like a year and a half. Argh! I couldn’t tell you half the things that have happened since I last posted. For starters, nothing has changed with my statuses–work or otherwise. I have been to New York twice within that time, though! So that’s exciting. I even got to visit Philadelphia for a few days this past September. I’ll write more on that at a later time. Currently I am sitting on a recently-cleared rocking chair in the middle of a whirlwind of a room. Oreo-my chubby, overprotective chihuahua- is snoring in his little cubby. Scratch that, he’s just woken up for a drink of water. My bed is covered in things I need to sort. Not that I feel like sorting. Obviously. But, hey! What better time than the present? Even if it is just past 2am. Better than dumping everything in a corner, anyway.

I tend to talk a lot to you guys. I’ll spill out whatever is on my mind without really putting up much of a filter. Or editing. I forgot what my college professor called it. Speed-writing? All I remember is that it dealt with writing what was at the top of my head. Such as: I wonder how long the L.A. Times Festival of Books has been going on? I have an old poster from 2010 in my room–don’t even ask, I think I just feel guilty about bringing it down. Plus, what will I do with that clear space?! Anyway, I just realized that it looks as though the picture is in the shape of a 7. Was that the 7th year they held it? Is it just a coincidence? No idea. I’ll look it up later, the curiosity won’t let me rest. Anyway, I was getting somewhere with this. I don’t know if there really are many people that read this outside of my family and friends. Either way, I feel a sort of comfort in being able to talk freely like this. To ramble, as some would say. It’s probably the place where my truest thoughts come out. If not for this, they’d remain tucked away. I mean, surely you must know where I’m coming from. I can’t be the only one who can’t come out and say things outright to my family or the friends around me. Not yet, anyway. I mean, I’d like to come out and be one of those super-organized blogs that talks about one specific topic a day instead of going on and on about random things each time. But that’s not me. It isn’t my style. Yet. I’m confident that I’ll grow into my own with time. I just need to keep writing. So if any of you would like to suggest anything that would keep me writing, keep me encouraged, please do let me know. I honestly need it. Everything else in my life feels like its in shambles right now and I have no doubt that doing this–writing– will keep me grounded and will help me with my craft. Everything I start pursuing seems to just slip away between my fingers slowly, trickling away until suddenly there is a huge contrast between what I started with and what is left. I need to get back to my passions. This is the first step.

Speaking of passions, does anyone have any suggestions on how to build an online portfolio? I am actually an artist and I can’t believe I never did this before, but I need a way to get my work out there. I just don’t quite know what the best approach to building a website would be. I just don’t want my talents to die away. There’d be no use for that B.A. if that was to be the case. So far I’m seeing Wix as a possibility. Maybe just a tumblr, I’ve had a couple of those in the past. I think I may have a photographer friend or two that can help with getting professional photos. I just need to think in terms of Moo-lah. I don’t have the “luxury” of people needing practice with their cameras and software anymore. Gah!

Anyway, I’m running into blanks and running well past 700 words. It’s now 3am and I really must get to the mess on my bed. Seriously, it looks like someone decided it would be the new desk. That someone being me. Curse my tiny room and 5, 6 years worth of things accumulating from the time I left for college! Seriously, guys. If any of you are in college, learn to balance your belongings! It isn’t worth it to attach yourself to every cute, useful thing! Or the little toy your hall mates may have given you in first or second year. Or the books— never mind, you keep the books. HOARD THEM ALL! (I kid, I kid. Heh heh.) Okay okay okay! I bid all of you goodnight. Or morning, wherever you may be. Thanks for stopping by, and please do leave suggestions or encouragements for the things I mentioned. I’ll see you soon! Hopefully. If you liked it. Bye!

P.S. I looked it up. The Los Angeles Times Festival of Books has definitely been going on longer than what the poster suggests. Actually, it’s headed to 20 years in 2016! Yay books!

Father’s Day Blues

I wish my dad was at my graduation today. I miss him. Oh God, how I needed him. It’s seriously all I’ve ever wanted since he wasn’t able to attend my 6th grade or high school graduation. It’s what I looked forward to the most about him getting out of jail after 10 years. I’d be lying if I said he was not the reason I took so long to complete my college education. Heck, I was so freaking glad my graduation wouldn’t happen until he was out. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted him to be there. I needed him. But instead of him filling up that seat next to my mom and brothers, all I had of him was an apology text and one missed call from him. The first I received in the bathroom, when I was checking up on my makeup and hair, making sure my cap wouldn’t fall off with a tip of my head.

“Ola mi amor perdón por llamarte antes que pases una muy bonita graduación te juró qué me duele no estar con tigo en tu graduación”
‘Hello my love, I am sorry for calling you before you have a beautiful graduation. I swear it hurts that I can’t be there with you at your graduation.’

Instantly I felt my eyes well up with tears, a knot in my throat. My friend comes out of the stall and I push it all back, focusing instead on the ceremony and the fact that my family wasn’t there yet. Seriously, again? We rush back to our art friends just as the line starts pushing out the door. My father is pushed out of my mind as the graduation goes on. I’m too busy trying to keep up with my friend’s jokes and our Dean’s sass.
Towards the end of the graduation I remember I have not wished my father a happy father’s day, despite Every. Damn. Speaker. Mentioning their father and wishing them a happy father’a day. I send him greetings and think nothing of it as I stand to move my tassel from the right to the left side of the cap as a symbol of our passing into graduate-hood. We walk out. All along the sides there are people crowding around to take pictures of the graduates. Again, I do not see my mother’s face. I shake off my disappointment and make plans to meet up with my friends at the art building after I dash away to find my family. Again, I do not find them. I look down at my phone to call them only to see I’ve missed a call from my dad. I rush to call back but, what would I say? The emotion now hits harder than before and I click ‘end.’ The knot is tighter, the tears fill my vision and I know I cannot show everyone this side. Today was supposed to be emotional for other reasons, not for the pain that’s been granted me since I was 12.
Instead I have father’s day making a mockery of me as again I have to spend another year without my dad. Only this time, it was something bigger. It was that much more important. And now I’m just left to wonder, how much more will he miss out on? How much more will I miss out on? That ticket that went to my aunt, the one that always goes to my aunt, should have been his. I don’t know what to do. It’s 3am and all I’m doing is crying the stupid makeup off. I hate this, I really do. No matter what I do or what happens, this will never change. I will never have my dad as I want him. He is still only pictures and short phone calls and once a year visits. He’s out of prison but we aren’t out of the system. Happy Father’s Day indeed.