I’m a Penderess.

Have you guys ever just sat there, mindlessly messing with your hands, only the slight pressure of an object in your hand giving you any idea whatsoever of what you’re actually doing or what you may look like?  Yeah, that’s me. I like to feel pressure on my hands in some form or another.  This could be me scratching at the insides of my hands, popping my knuckles, or tapping my nails away at the desk top.  The thing I find myself doing most of all is playing with the clip of pens.  I’ll use it to scratch between my fingers (when there’s no itch, mind you), to run on the crease between the inside of my nail and my finger, to make the soft snapping sound as it bounces back once its been pulled.  I know exactly when I’m doing it. I don’t know why I do it, it’s just something I like. It gives me something to focus any anxiety or nervousness on.  Unfortunately, it’s also the cause of many of my pen’s untimely disfigurations.  Yes, that’s right.  Those pen clips? They snap off. Just hearing that slight snap, probably as noticeable as a click of the pen top to others, resounds loudly in my ear.  The horror creeps up on my face as I slowly look down and realize what I’ve done.  I’ve killed yet another pen.  I’m a pen murderess. A penderess? Perderess? This really bums me down because I absolutely LOVE pens. I love knowing that there’s something just sitting there, waiting for me to pick it up and record my thoughts with, the ink coming out like in ribbons.  It’s so beautiful, really. Call me weird, haha. I just really love how beautiful pen ink (and sometimes, the actual pens. For those companies/people that combine the beautiful design with the perfect flowing ink: you guys are geniuses. I love you.)  As you can probably guess, I’ve just snapped off yet another pen clip. Do I think ‘oh well, that’s fine, I have plenty of other pens’? No. Absolutely not. The first thing that goes through my mind is ‘Shit. I’ve done it again. My beautiful peeennn!” The next? “How can I put it back?” It’s absolutely ludicrous! The first thing I want to do is superglue it back! How in the heck–that isn’t even possible, is it? Not even if it was a clean break! It just wouldn’t have the support it did before, it wouldn’t have the same seamless look.  It’s just not the same!

Okay maybe I’m making a ruckus out of nothing.  Maybe it’s too big a reaction. I don’t know. I just know that I’m a Penderess, and that I need to stop snapping the pen clips off.  Will I be successful? I don’t know. I guess I’ll see in a few weeks.


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