Dreams Left Unrealized

It occurs to me that we are our own greatest enemy, but also our own greatest motivation and sense of … I don’t know. But it’s funny how we can be so for and yet so against ourselves. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who’s thought this at some point of my life. The reason I’m saying this is that lately –or, for a really long time, now– I’ve been wanting and debating with myself whether or not to upload videos of myself singing covers on YouTube, and just starting a vlog in general.

I’ve never been the funny sort. Not by conventional means, anyway. (that I know of anyway.) Trust me, I’m one of those people who laughs at my own jokes. (And yet, when it comes to other people’s jokes I can be a tad bit slow hah!) Also, I don’t really think of things on a deeper level. I mean, I do. Obviously. Or else I wouldn’t have started a blog in the first place. I have things to talk about! Still, I feel like it really wouldn’t be worthy of the attention of youtubers? Maybe this is more instilled in me than anything, as I grew up believing (as most women and children do) that I must not say anything unless it is worth saying. “Dumb” or “misinformed” comments are not appreciated. I must always have a concise thought if I am to state it. It’s a horrid system, I know. But it’s gotten me out of quite a few situations. And you can bet that whenever I did have something to say, I made very valid points that would give whoever I was interacting with something to think about.

As for the singing.. I’ve always liked my voice. I know there are things to work out when it comes to it. I need to learn techniques, I need to learn what my style truly is. I’ve been singing since I was a kid. It started with choir in elementary, worked it’s way through until I made it to all-city choir one year (which, now that I think about it, was an incredible feat. Seriously one of my prouder moments. I still remember most of that experience). That was about the last time I participated in any ensemble publicly. I stopped and continued in music by playing flute for seven (7) years. I loved that time, don’t get me wrong. Still, I always felt like it wasn’t enough and that being in band was cheating me from my love of singing. I mean, we all know that you possibly sing and play flute at the same time, right? That’d be crazy! haha Not that I mind a bit of crazy every now and again. Instead I started learning and singing songs for myself. Never performing, always a secret part of me. I’m pretty sure I would sing to myself in public, though, so it wasn’t so so secretive. I’m not sure how long ago it was, but I remember going online and seeing people post videos of covers they did. I absolutely loved the idea, but never actually went for it. I did, however, start recording myself singing. Or talking. It just happened that I sang more than I talked into a camera. When I did do my own sort of ‘vlog’ it was more of a time when I’d capture my musings as I walked home after class or observed nature at its most beautiful (always). Recently, I have recorded myself with the intention of posting it for the world to see. It was around this time that I started thinking seriously about blogging and letting myself be known by others. I really am that quiet gal standing just behind others haha. Kind of sad, really. Think of all the missed opportunities to meet people for myself and be known for the type of person I really am–a goofball who goes for the banana hat at the store. (See: avatar.) Still, out of all of this, a blog was born on tumblr. (wandreer.tumblr.com for all you creepers lovely people that would like to see more.) Still, it isn’t enough. I need to get across and reach more people. I feel like, if I can reach a certain number of individuals with my thoughts and can have them relate on an intellectual or emotional level, I can die a successful person. (Though, really, I’d prefer to not be struck dead if it does happen. I like living! Even with the ‘labyrinth of suffering’ as John Green puts it in his novel [i]’Looking for Alaska'[/i]. (I just finished reading it last weekend!)) I have yet to realize the YouTube dream.  Makes me wonder of maybe I can start another resolution for 2014. Even if the ‘new years rosulutions’ time has passed. NEW Resolution for 2014: post at least one (1) video a month online. Can be vlog or cover of song or anything else. This will be initiated this month of April in the year of 2014.   Which means l really only have a few days left to do this. Oh gee I hope I’m ready for this.

Anyway the reasons that I started thinking on this subject of ourselves becoming our own worst critic and yet best motivator is that l was watching a few covers on youtube after just thinking that l should start mine. I was seriously thinking that had talent. That there was absolutely no reason why l shouldn’t kind of showcase myself. Then of course I go watch some of these videos and am blown away by their voices and start doubting myself. This is less than half an hour after read my a blogpost my cousin wrote about her issues on self-confidence. I’ll post a link after my ‘rant’ is done. I hope with this realization I’ll start putting more of myself out. there. Its hard, but doable.

To my public: is there anything you feel you have been holding out on about yourselves for fear of criticism or self-doubt? lf you do (or have in past) what steps have you taken-or could you take-to overcome it? l’m interested in your stories..


And with that I bid adieu and goodnight. Until next time!  …l feel like l need to come up with some catchphrase or something for the end at my posts. I’ll think of something. Hopefully.   Night!


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