Awkward Glances

I’m walking down the path of my apartment on my way to school. Across from me is a male student. He’s doing nothing, really. Just on his phone, on his way home (presumably). I look down for a bit, feeling slightly awkward about making eye contact. My eyes go up and almost immediately, he repeats my shy gaze down. Immediately, it brings to mind all these other occurrences in which similar things happen, with men and women alike. It seems that it’s been integrated into people that we really just shouldn’t look at each other. I wonder what it is we all fear will happen if we do just happen to look at someone’s face. We won’t magically combust, nor will all our secrets be laid out on the table for them to see.

In a way it is somewhat of an intimate act though, right? It’s a connection you build with whatever person that was, however briefly. We learn a little bit about the person, if not make something up from whatever character trait we may (or may not) have glimpsed at.  We see how their day has been up to that point. Honestly, I really like to have those brief connections. I feel it’s something we need to keep us sane as people. I mean, think about it. What comes from those brief interactions? Awkwardness, sure, but then there are those little smiles when we see how ridiculous it is. It’s an ‘I see you.  I may not know you, but I know you exist’ moments.  It’s a beautiful moment. Even if we might not actually think about how much those connections affect us, it happens.

Still, there are a lot of times when I purposely look down because I cannot bear to make that contact. I don’t want to draw unwanted attention; I want to be invisible. It stems from many different things.  I think sometime’s we’re just conditioned to believe that everyone out there is out to get us, in some form or another. If you look up, if you make eye contact or even look like you’re eyeing someone, you’re asking for trouble.  And it may be true. I know there’s been times when, if I’m in a ‘bad’ part of town, taking the subway at night, or really in a situation where I know or feel I’m not completely safe, I will keep my gaze down. For instance, the times I’ve been in  NYC subways I usually have something on me to occupy my time and attention for the duration of the ride, be it my phone or a book. I do have a habit of observing people, and not everyone is so comfortable with that. You never know when someone will react badly to these things. Really though, it’s a different situation for everyone depending on the time and place.  One of my professors told me he loved taking the NYC subways and socializing with random passengers.  Of course, as someone with a different personality and life experiences (and a woman, to boot) I was taught differently than he. I’m to be more alert and keep to myself. (Boring, huh?)

Days when I step out of these comfort zones I’ve created, I like to look at people and smile.  I think this especially happens on good days, and on days when I realize, as in this post, that I have begun walking with my eyes cast down again. There is nothing shameful in connecting with people. I make it a point to look at a person squarely in the face (without getting too up-close-and-personal, of course) and, when I see them glancing up at me, smiling brightly. If I do see them smiling back at me, no matter how small and insignificant the moment is, I feel that I might have made their day a little happier by allowing them to abandon all else and smile for a minute.

How nice would it be to bring some light into someone’s day?  I say we should all go out and do this towards at least one other person. It doesn’t matter if we do or don’t know the effect we’ve had on these individuals (or if we actually know them or not, for that matter).  Who knows, maybe it can start a chain and they’ve all started smiling at other people. It’s a nice thought, yeah? 🙂

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Dreams Left Unrealized

It occurs to me that we are our own greatest enemy, but also our own greatest motivation and sense of … I don’t know. But it’s funny how we can be so for and yet so against ourselves. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who’s thought this at some point of my life. The reason I’m saying this is that lately –or, for a really long time, now– I’ve been wanting and debating with myself whether or not to upload videos of myself singing covers on YouTube, and just starting a vlog in general.

I’ve never been the funny sort. Not by conventional means, anyway. (that I know of anyway.) Trust me, I’m one of those people who laughs at my own jokes. (And yet, when it comes to other people’s jokes I can be a tad bit slow hah!) Also, I don’t really think of things on a deeper level. I mean, I do. Obviously. Or else I wouldn’t have started a blog in the first place. I have things to talk about! Still, I feel like it really wouldn’t be worthy of the attention of youtubers? Maybe this is more instilled in me than anything, as I grew up believing (as most women and children do) that I must not say anything unless it is worth saying. “Dumb” or “misinformed” comments are not appreciated. I must always have a concise thought if I am to state it. It’s a horrid system, I know. But it’s gotten me out of quite a few situations. And you can bet that whenever I did have something to say, I made very valid points that would give whoever I was interacting with something to think about.

As for the singing.. I’ve always liked my voice. I know there are things to work out when it comes to it. I need to learn techniques, I need to learn what my style truly is. I’ve been singing since I was a kid. It started with choir in elementary, worked it’s way through until I made it to all-city choir one year (which, now that I think about it, was an incredible feat. Seriously one of my prouder moments. I still remember most of that experience). That was about the last time I participated in any ensemble publicly. I stopped and continued in music by playing flute for seven (7) years. I loved that time, don’t get me wrong. Still, I always felt like it wasn’t enough and that being in band was cheating me from my love of singing. I mean, we all know that you possibly sing and play flute at the same time, right? That’d be crazy! haha Not that I mind a bit of crazy every now and again. Instead I started learning and singing songs for myself. Never performing, always a secret part of me. I’m pretty sure I would sing to myself in public, though, so it wasn’t so so secretive. I’m not sure how long ago it was, but I remember going online and seeing people post videos of covers they did. I absolutely loved the idea, but never actually went for it. I did, however, start recording myself singing. Or talking. It just happened that I sang more than I talked into a camera. When I did do my own sort of ‘vlog’ it was more of a time when I’d capture my musings as I walked home after class or observed nature at its most beautiful (always). Recently, I have recorded myself with the intention of posting it for the world to see. It was around this time that I started thinking seriously about blogging and letting myself be known by others. I really am that quiet gal standing just behind others haha. Kind of sad, really. Think of all the missed opportunities to meet people for myself and be known for the type of person I really am–a goofball who goes for the banana hat at the store. (See: avatar.) Still, out of all of this, a blog was born on tumblr. (wandreer.tumblr.com for all you creepers lovely people that would like to see more.) Still, it isn’t enough. I need to get across and reach more people. I feel like, if I can reach a certain number of individuals with my thoughts and can have them relate on an intellectual or emotional level, I can die a successful person. (Though, really, I’d prefer to not be struck dead if it does happen. I like living! Even with the ‘labyrinth of suffering’ as John Green puts it in his novel [i]’Looking for Alaska'[/i]. (I just finished reading it last weekend!)) I have yet to realize the YouTube dream.  Makes me wonder of maybe I can start another resolution for 2014. Even if the ‘new years rosulutions’ time has passed. NEW Resolution for 2014: post at least one (1) video a month online. Can be vlog or cover of song or anything else. This will be initiated this month of April in the year of 2014.   Which means l really only have a few days left to do this. Oh gee I hope I’m ready for this.

Anyway the reasons that I started thinking on this subject of ourselves becoming our own worst critic and yet best motivator is that l was watching a few covers on youtube after just thinking that l should start mine. I was seriously thinking that had talent. That there was absolutely no reason why l shouldn’t kind of showcase myself. Then of course I go watch some of these videos and am blown away by their voices and start doubting myself. This is less than half an hour after read my a blogpost my cousin wrote about her issues on self-confidence. I’ll post a link after my ‘rant’ is done. I hope with this realization I’ll start putting more of myself out. there. Its hard, but doable.

To my public: is there anything you feel you have been holding out on about yourselves for fear of criticism or self-doubt? lf you do (or have in past) what steps have you taken-or could you take-to overcome it? l’m interested in your stories..

 

And with that I bid adieu and goodnight. Until next time!  …l feel like l need to come up with some catchphrase or something for the end at my posts. I’ll think of something. Hopefully.   Night!

A Welcoming

Ladies, gents, people that don’t fall under the gender binary rules..I give you, my first post! -Applauds and bows- thank you, thank you. I suppose this first post is where I shall begin my introduction, yes?

I’ll start this by saying I was led here by my lovely cousins who have started (or continued) their own blogs on here. I have been playing the tumblr beat for quite some time now, but its so easy to get lost there among all the other posts. Do you know how hard it is to not reblog things you absolutely love?!

Anyway, I figured I’d had enough of resisting blog sites such as this. Through this blog, you will be slowly learning who I am, what I’m about. My name is Lyanne, but you may call me Wandreer if you’d like. It’s really all the same to me. I am female, in my early twenties. By some standards I’m still a baby, by other’s I’m ancient. I’d like to say I’m in my prime. Even then, I know that life in any age is at its prime, because there is nothing more magnificent than life at its current. The good, the bad, that which may seem insignificant or life-altering…it all adds up into this wonderful person you are. I believe I have experienced a lot in my twenty-some years of life. All these experiences have shaped me into the person I am now, the person you’ll slowly begin learning about. The stuff I haven’t experienced, I learn of in other ways. Likewise, I hope to get to know you bit by bit, too.